If baby won’t sleep and is overstimulated when you try to comfort him then cry it out (controlled crying, extinction, self-soothing, etc.) may help.
I read a ton of research in my certification for infant and child sleep training.
I read countless books by sleep experts, many of whom suggest drastically different approaches to solving sleep problems.
Do you know what method nearly all of them employ to some level or the other?
Teaching babies to get to sleep on their own.
Essentially, babies need to be able to get themselves from being awake to being asleep on their own. It’s the only way they’ll learn to transition through their sleep cycles at night without waking up frequently in distress.
We are going to use the terms cry it out, controlled crying, and extinction here all to mean a similar thing.
Many renown sleep experts have their own names for this method of sleep training. Going forward in this article they all mean the same thing.
One involves leaving to cry and the other coming in at intervals to check, but allowing crying, but here is the gist.
What's in this post...
Cry it out is not the first resort
Before we dive into the logistics, know this. If you create a proper sleep schedule for your newborn from the beginning, you won’t need any strategy that causes baby to protest.
Why?
Because they will have taken advantage of the newborn drive to sleep and learned to get to sleep from the very beginning.
Read: 12 Medical Reasons Why Your Baby’s Not Sleeping (With Symptoms of Each)
Learn how to space naps, how many a day per age, best times, etc. and get your nap game ON!
Controlled crying and cry it out explained
Let’s dive into exactly what these practices entail.
Controlled crying is:
- A method of phasing out sleep props
- Letting baby protest the changes in sleep habits without rescuing them from their needs. (aka allowing them to continue life without meeting their need for sleep because of your own inability to do what it takes)
- Allowing babies or toddlers to fuss and cry for certain periods of time before going back to comfort. This allows baby the time needed to learn to get to sleep on their own.
Controlled crying is not:
- ignoring your baby’s cry to teach them not to cry
- ignoring their cries because you are busy or can’t be bothered to attend to them
- a way to punish or discipline your baby for not sleeping
Read: Is Sleep Training a Baby Bad or Dangerous? Let’s Talk Facts!
Cry it out in action
Pretty much all babies who do not sleep well, for very long, or as many hours a day as they should have one thing in common.
They don’t know how to go to sleep on their own.
There are a variety of ways to accomplish this without any cry methods, but some babies simply
Ultimately…
Babies need to learn to go to sleep on their own.
Putting your baby to bed with rocking, singing or any number of other tricks is not a helpful practice to start. If you put babies to sleep with tricks during the first few “easy” months then, by the time they are 4-6 months they will stop being as sleepy and you’ll have some real sleep struggles on your hands.
They won’t fall asleep everywhere all the time and you will want them to be able to sleep in their crib. However, if you haven’t trained them to do this they will fight it. The training process will be louder, harder and more involved than it needed to be.
Read: How to Stop Contact Naps (Peacefully)- and What to Do Instead
I have friends who say at 4 months, “wow, now it’s getting tough” whereas I have said at 4 months- all 5 times – wow, all the hard work is over.
Sleep is very important and the sooner babies learn to do it on their own, the sooner you’ll all benefit from it.
Eventually they will have to learn, the question is, when do you want to put the work in? You’ll still have to train them at some point, so why wait?
Read: The Fastest Way Through The 4 Month Sleep Regression
How long does controlled crying last?
Nobody likes to listen to their baby cry.
When using cry it out for sleep training, you only do this after you know their needs are met and the issue is simply learning to sleep. If they are well fed, clean, dry and otherwise okay, then letting them cry a little to learn to sleep will not hurt them.
If you can pick them up and they immediately stop crying and smile, you know they are fine, they are just fighting sleep. They’d rather be with you! Of course they would. However, sleep is a need and baby’s moods shouldn’t dictate their needs.
Generally speaking, controlled crying lasts less than one week. For most babies, on the 4th day baby has learned to go to sleep on their own without tears. So, for a few naps and bedtime, there may be some protest crying, but it resolves itself quickly.
Ready for everyone to start sleeping better? Use this checklist to help you get there.
Different options for cry based sleep training
There’s no one size fits all. Different experts like Ferber and Weissbluth, for example, have different terms and different suggestions.
All agree babies need to learn to go to sleep on their own so they can transition through sleep cycles without having a “job” to do.
- Extinction (basic cry it out) – This is Dr. Weissbluth’s method and involves letting your child cry until they fall asleep.
- Capped extinction – This is the same as above, but with a cap. An amount of time you’ll let baby try to sleep on their own before throwing in the towel and starting another day. This is often used at nap time.
- Check and console – Here parents allow baby to cry for pre-determined periods, then return to assure baby you’re there, then allow baby to fall asleep on their own again.
- Any combination of the above – Depending on whether it’s naps or day time, you may employ a variety of methods to help baby sleep. Babies strong drive to sleep at nighttime often helps accelerate the learning process.
Learn how to space naps, how many a day per age, best times, etc. and get your nap game ON!
Just letting your baby cry is not the same as using a “cry it out” method
Using extinction with your baby (aka cry it out) is not just letting them randomly cry. There is rhyme and reason and methods involved.
If you do choose to utilize some “let cry” method (and many mothers do not and find levels of success with “maybe cry” or “no cry” methods) then you need to commit.
Letting baby cry for 5 minutes then returning, and repeating, does not work with some babies. They quickly catch on to the time limit and cry until you come. They are, in fact, quite inconsolable often because they desperately want to sleep and yet cannot do it on their own.
This is why babies getting to sleep on their own is so important. It gives baby the chance to learn what they need. Sleep is a survival need.
Read: Get A Tired Baby To Sleep — In 4 Simple Steps
Create sustainable sleep habits for your little lamb so the whole family can sleep peacefully without the stress, drama, and tears.
Learn More
It’s not the only way, but it is one way
Many mothers know their babies need a change.
Whether moms have to go back to work or they are suffering from anxiety and depression due to lack of sleep (which is backed up by research), they need baby to start sleeping and they need it to happen quickly.
I know many moms simply won’t be able to do it or don’t agree with it. I often think some people give extinction a bad rap because they think mothers let their baby cry all day long to try to teach them to be silent. This is not the case.
Cry it out is a method used to facilitate learning to get to sleep independently.
It is used when you are positive their needs are met. When you know they are asserting their desire to not sleep or their initial difficulty putting themselves to sleep.
But, as we’ve discussed before here on my site, it’s both irresponsible and unkind to give babies control of their life.
Adults have a hard time controlling their live, much less babies!
When to considering using extinction or other “let cry” methods
You may want to consider extinction in the following cases.
- When your child is not getting enough sleep.
- If baby is fighting sleep and becomes over-stimulated the more you step in to help.
- You are exhausted to the point of becoming mentally ill (depression, anxiety, etc.).
- Baby is 4+ months, naps are not consolidated, and he’s waking up multiple times per night.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard this story. Mom is exhausted from night after night of night wakings.
Baby wakes up crying for the 4th time and mom is too tired to get up and attend to the baby. Mom falls asleep even though the baby is crying and, lo and behold, baby goes to sleep.
And stops waking at night permanently.
The goal is not that the baby sleeps so you have an easier life. The goal is that the baby sleeps so that the baby is well-rested, happier and able to learn and absorb the stimulus in their surroundings.
Letting your children become exhausted is not fair to them and it does not set them up for successful habits later.
If your baby fights sleeping now, it will not likely resolve on its own.
Whether or not you use cry it out doesn’t matter, find a way to help baby get the rest they need.
::
FAQs
If baby is well fed and other important factors taken into account, cry it out shouldn’t last more than an hour at a time, and even then it should peak at 2 days, then after 3 days be very little crying.
You teach your baby self-soothing by giving your baby a chance to calm themselves down to sleep. This can take from 3 days to 2 weeks, depending on your method. Methods involve gradual withdrawal, shush pat, controlled crying, etc.
Every time baby cries you should try to figure out WHY baby is crying before rushing to action. A tired baby needs sleep, not feeding. By determining what baby needs you’ll know exactly what to do.
Babies who have colic are typically crying for a few hours a day, every day, inconsolably. If you are using crying as a tool to get baby to sleep (and all appropriate factors are in place) baby shouldn’t cry for more than an hour to get to sleep.
Ferber uses extinction and controlled crying methods. Capped extinction is letting baby cry for intervals then going in to soothe in other ways. Extinction is letting baby cry until they go to sleep, usually capped at an hour.
Babies fight sleep for a number of reasons. They are overtired, overstimulated,, or don’t know how to settle themselves into sleep. Babies cry because they want you to settle them. They cry because of pain and hunger.
Sources:
- Scientific data showing sleep training is healthy
- Excessive intervention by parents causes sleep problems
I did something similar with my two. I have friends who are vehemently against letting them cry. Some do the constant contact parenting with the baby. I needed a little space, couldn’t handle that. Each mom is different.
Totally!
I know this post is old, but I just came across your blog. I was wondering what is the youngest you’d be willing to implement CIO for naps? My baby is 5 weeks old and I’ve tried letting him cry for 15 min at a time and he doesn’t settle down and fall asleep. I’ve tried going in and soothing him but that doesn’t work either. Do you think he’s too young?
Hi there! To be honest I did CIO from the first week on generally speaking. One of my babies needed to cry for a good 15 minutes, the other took the paci and didn’t cry, and the third went down to sleep without a paci and without crying. However, I think the key is to figure out if you going in to soothe is stopping him from sleeping, or if it’s just something you need to keep up with for a little bit until he gets the hang of it, if that makes sense? How long do you let him cry before you go in?
I should clarify that I’m talking about CIO for naps… So far evenings are fine, and I’d be willing to let him CIO for as long as needed at night if I needed to, but naps seem to be another beast altogether (at least for me!).
Hi again, to answer your question, I’ve let him cry up to 10-15min before I go in. When I go in, soothing helps calm him down but when I put him back down, he’s crying again a few minutes later. I guess I’m wondering how long should I be willing to let him cry, at this age? 20 min? An hour? And what if he doesn’t ever settle down and fall asleep? Sorry for all the questions but I’m really wanting to get him trained but don’t know if I’m doing it too young and he just doesn’t get it yet. Thanks in advance for your reply.
Hey girl! I think 10-15 minutes is a good window, but perhaps what you do to soothe him is the trick? Do you pick him up or pat his stomach and say shhh? Read this post http://www.babywisemom.com/2009/04/sleep-training-four-ss.html and see what you think? It gives you some tools to help get them in the mood and then settle them. I think if the baby fusses/cries for longer than 30 minutes he may just be overtired. How long is he awake from when he starts feeding until you put him down?
Hi, I normally pick him up, say shhhh and try to have him stop crying. Then I wait for his eyes to get droopy again before putting him back, but like I said this doesn’t work all the time… I do swaddle him for naps as well. He’s awake around 50min-1hr15min. I just find that sometimes he naps pretty easily and other times he fights it so much, even though I know he’s tired (and not overtired, or at least i think!)… It’s all just frustrating! :/ Thanks for hearing me out. I’m not a baby wise follower in that I haven’t put him on a baby wise schedule but i do try to keep some of the same principles in my parenting style. I guess I find the baby wise method too complicated for me. :) I wonder if I might just have to nap train and night train him (using the extinction CIO method) when he’s a bit older, like 10-12 weeks? What do you think about extinction CIO? Thanks again.
I don’t know about the extinction CIO. What is that? I’d suggest trying not picking him up to settle him, but patting his belly and saying “sshhh shhhh” and that may be different. Getting picked up might be enough to wake him? I know if I picked 2 of my 3 up, that was it. They were even more awake!
Hello again, extinction CIO is just CIO without checking on baby (unlike Ferber CIO). For naps, weissbluth suggests up to one hour but this is for older babies around the 4-6month mark. Anyway, I appreciate your input. I feel like I’m basically doing the “right” things but feel that I am failing my baby by not succeeding in getting him to nap. I sure hope things get better soon! At least he’s pretty good for night sleep…..goes down pretty easily and only waking to feed… Naps are a whole different challenge altogether!
Oh no you are NOT failing your baby because ultimately, you can lead a horse to water…. I’d just keep doing what you’re doing and tweaking little things. If you aren’t comfortable crying it out at this age then don’t. It really needs total consistency and commitment to work, in my opinion, so waiting until you are totally comfortable and on board will probably be the key to it working or not working. And that is 100% right! Did you try the 4 S’s?
I guess I’m still not sure how long is appropriate to CIO at this age… I feel like my baby has a strong will and could probably cry for over an hour! And, I guess you’re right that I’m not comfortable with that at his age. I would be more ok with it when he’s 4-5months old, not 5-6 weeks…. I did try the 4S’s- I’d been doing them before except for that last S where you hold them upright. Like most things, I feel that it works some of the time but not all the time… This is where I have to accept that my baby is unique and what works for some May not work for him…the challenge is to figure out what works for him! by the way, how do you deal with challenges such as sleep regression, sickness, etc. do you find you have to do CIO all over again?
I actually find that when we have regressions, major changes of routine, and they are feeling unsettled I have to do a little bit of CIO. Or, when they are older, leave them to fuss it out for a bit. I think Babywise says that young babies may even cry for 30 minutes before sleep but that seems too much to me. Once in a while if it is an anomaly? Fine. Every nap? Geez louise, who would survive it? Yes, I’d just do your best and when you get to an age you feel comfortable with start doing CIO and stick with it. 5-6 weeks is still so young and tiny… I hope you’re getting lots of snuggles ;)
I’m current on day three of CIO with my 5 month old. I am DROWNING in mommy guilt! I just sit outside her room and read and re-read all of the reasons being able to self-sooth are good for her. Ugh! The only thing stopping me from going in is knowing that I will have undone all the progress we’ve made and risk just confusin her. How do I handle the mommy guilt? I think I’m crying more than she is!
Samantha, do you know she isn’t overtired and has ate plenty of food and that it’s just her learning to sleep well? If you know those things, there shouldn’t be much crying for much longer!!! TAKE HEART. I will say that after they learn to sleep well they are so so so happy and the guilt you felt will be clear for what it is: false guilt.
Hi Rachel! You keep mentioning a baby being overtired. Mine is. What can I do when she’s overtired? She’s 9 months. Thanks!
When baby is overtired put baby to bed earlier, for sure, and an earlier bedtime!
Hi, my three month old has been sleeping very well till this point and was able to fall asleep alone with a pacifier with no problems (I just had to put the paci back into his mouth 2-3 times) and slept 2 hours during naps, so I didn´t do any specific training. But everything changed few days ago and now he has problems falling asleep and during naps wakes after 40 minutes. He wakes up, but is tired and I can see that he needs more sleep, just has a problem falling asleep again. So I decided to try CIO to get him back on track. I just want to ask how did you do CIO with a pacifier? Did you give them again the paci every time you came in? And do I understand it correctly that I should leave him cry both when putting him down for a nap and in the middle of the nap when he wakes up? Sleeping at night fortunatelly isn´t a big problem, he wakes once or twice to feed and maybe once because he wants his pacifier, but otherwise sleeps well.
Maya, if I can do the paci instead of CIO I do that always first. It’s easier and, when they get the hang of sleepig well, they usually do’t wake for the paci in my experience.