One of the most stressful times of parenting is when our kids do something unexpected in front of others, and they’re all looking at us to see how we react. Hopefully, this post will help you rock mom life this holiday season.
I’ll never forget the birthday party we had for one of my boys. And, nearing the end of the party, a scene developed.
The scene looked like this… my 3-year-old refusing to come to me when I asked (repeatedly) and then…
Me chasing him around the living room couch until my husband cornered him on the other side and picked him up.
(Me, still in disbelief))
It was as bad as you are imagining it. Family staring in shock and disbelief at the scene before us.
Me, chasing around my 3-year-old who is probably going to be a football star when he grows up that can dodge anyone in his path.
It was not a shining parenting moment. I can laugh about it now, but only for like one Mississippi.
Looking back, there were a few things that I could have done differently. Had I done so, it would have been much less of a scene.
Correction Considerations….
With the holidays approaching you will likely be near family and others on a regular basis. Your kids will be kids and so here are some rules of thumb I focus on to correct my children when there are others around.
- We cannot control our children’s every move.
- We cannot always predict how they will act in any given situation.
- Even if they are ordinarily good listeners, you may find yourself in a stand off with your child in front of others.
If Possible, Take It Elsewhere
If your child is throwing a tantrum, refusing to listen, or has done something you know needs addressing – if you can – go to another room or away from the crowd.
This will help both you and your child calm down, assess the situation, and respond accordingly. If you feel that all eyes are on you, it’s not so easy.
She should spank him!
She yanked his arm!
She’s not being firm enough!
She’s being too firm!
If you’re nervous about onlookers you’ll struggle to maintain control. If your child feels all eyes on her she’ll get embarrassed and shut down.
➡️ Going elsewhere to do whatever you need to do is a gift to yourself and to your child.
Read: How To Be Confident In Front Of Extended Family: Do’s & Don’ts
Don’t Hand Your Control To Others
So imagine this scenario.
Family is gathered in a living room chatting. A parent tells a young preschooler to stop hitting his brother. The mom turns her back, the preschooler hits his brother again, and the brother cries.
The mom turns around quickly, gets all fired up, squats down, grabs her child roughly, and says, “I TOLD you not to do that, you NEVER listen to me and you made your brother cry! Tell him you’re sorry NOW!”
The child refuses to say he’s sorry and the mom keeps asking him to. This goes round until everyone is awkward and finally she just says, “Don’t hit him again or we’re going home!”
Of course this mother is annoyed because her child did exactly what he was not supposed to do and then would not do what he was supposed to do.
Now, scenario two.
Family is gathered in a living room chatting. A parent tells a young preschooler to stop hitting his brother. The mom turns her back, the preschooler hits his brother again, and the brother cries.
The mom gets up, takes her preschooler’s hand, and walks out of the crowded room with her son.
What is the main difference between the two scenarios?
In scenario one: the child looked in control and the mother felt out of control.
In scenario two: the mother felt in control and acted like she was in control.
Takeaways from these scenarios:
- Intervene early when possible. If you see a situation that is likely to get out of hand, intervene earlier than you would perhaps at home without an audience.
- Don’t let feeling out of control cause you to give control to your child (or others). If you know your normal response might result in a power struggle, just do something different.
- Bears repeating, handle a tense situation with your child in another room, even if you have to take them there kicking and screaming. Better they kick and scream in another room than right there in front of everyone else trying to open their Christmas gifts.
- If you freak out and lose your cool and break out in hives and sweats then the child appears in control. If you calmly intervene, react, and take charge of as much of the situation as possible then you are in control. (#askmehowIknow)
Read: How To Live Within Your Limits And Hold Your Boundaries
Don’t Feel Pressure To Resolve It Immediately
It’s easy to think about parenting like a photograph.
We take one snapshot in time (one negative behavior, one tantrum, one refusal to do what we’ve asked, etc.) and see it as the Always.
In reality, parenting is like a video. There is not one simple moment, it’s a collection of moments that make up the final product.
- Don’t think you Have To Do Something right then and there if it doesn’t make sense.
- The stares of others can cause us to do things we aren’t entirely comfortable with or ready to do (like think up some random consequence on the spot we aren’t really behind) so know that you don’t have to respond to a certain behavior right then.
- In some cases, reparation may be called for (giving a toy back, apologizing, etc.), but otherwise you can address what happened at a later date if you’d like.
- The truth is even if you let one negative behavior go unaddressed at a special event… generally speaking, one isolated behavior incident is not going to make or break your child’s character.
Read: Boundaries, Family Rules & Strong-Willed Children, Oh My!
Remember Family Relations, Impressions, & Your Child’s Reputation
Imagine that you’re a young child at a family gathering and you’re monkeying around with your cousins.
Things get out of hand.
Someone gets mad, you get mad, they swat at you, you kick them and they hit the ground screaming.
All eyes are on you.
Your parent comes over and (mad as rip) lays into you about how you need to apologize and that’s horrible and we don’t do that, etc.
Are you thinking about the fact that you shouldn’t have kicked?
NO.
You’re thinking about all the family members staring at you… so you’re embarrassed and angry and feel stupid and – of course – do wish you hadn’t kicked, but you’ll never admit it now.
The next time you see these people, the next Christmas, birthday, or random family dinner.. what do you think of?
How embarrassed you felt last time you saw them.
Being told off and humiliated in front of family over something that all the rest of the cousins were doing too, by the way.
This is not helpful for comfortable family connections.
Duh, we handle situations where our children do things that are against the rules. Of course. That’s a given.
But remember that these incidents are a drop in the bucket of our child’s whole life.
Handle it privately.
Go away from the crowd.
Don’t say things you’ll regret. Don’t tell everyone your child is a hellion.
It doesn’t help. It’ll just make you stressed.
Anyway, the most savvy and wise family members will simply look the other way and pretend they didn’t see anything.
After all… who doesn’t want to kick someone who just hit you?
So the next time that happened…
After that chasing around the couch event… I started to become more aware of a few things.
Knowing we’ve got 4 kids who make us look like great parents and 1 kid who makes us look like amateurs… I knew I needed to more attentive at family events.
I intervene early.
I take a child’s hand and walk them where I want them to go instead of telling them to go somewhere I know they won’t like.
I take them aside so misbehaviors aren’t the focus of the crowd.
I am mindful that one behavior doesn’t define my child, and I don’t blow it out of proportion.
No matter who is watching.
::
Related Reads:
- A Crucial Conversation To Have With Kids Before They Open Their Presents
- How To Have (Or Be) Flexible House Guests While Keeping Your Routine
- “Is Santa Real?”
- Free Printable Advent Devotion For Moms & Kids
- How To Be A Confident Parent With Extended Family: Do’s & Don’ts
- How To Get Ahead Of The Holiday Rush & Slow Down
- How To Write A Christmas Card People Want To Read
- Tips For Hosting Holiday Parties With Kids
- Family Christmas Traditions That Won’t Break The Bank
Rachel
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Cristina says
I really loved this post! I couldn’t agree more. I totally have that one family member who judges your every move. And I’m that member who looks the other way. No worries I got you 😉.
Racheal says
This was a blessing
Sarah says
Yes! I agree so much! I KNOW that I am hyper aware of people watching me and judging me and it usually only negatively affects how I react – especially in an already high energy gathering. I do this, too, taking my kids aside. I know how I would feel and have felt being put on the spot in front of a crowd. I can’t focus. So it is for my child and for me that I intervene quickly – before tensions are so high – and get away from those other eyes and ears. Then we can more accurately assess what went down and what needs to be done, even if it’s just a reminder, “Don’t do that again, yeah? Next time, ____.” I’ve even had the rare occurence where we both just needed a time out and that’s what we did. We hung out in the other room for maybe 10-15 minutes so we could be more kind and gracious afterward.
What a great reminder, especially in this season.
Dalia says
I just realized my current main parenting problem is that I only have one child. And he makes me look like an amateur. We do attachment parenting at home, I kind of manage the eye-level, patient communication etc. but I am a mess when it comes to being around groups of people, especially if I know they are not of the wise and calm kind, but very judgemental and I will hear about his “misbehaviour” later, how I let him get away with things etc. He is three years old now, and I feel now that I overshared my struggles with him as a baby and toddler, because I was desperate, and branded him as a hellion and myself as a weak mother. And that puts me under even more stress now, especially around the holidays.
Lori says
Thank you!! I trying figure out how to approach 4 year old daughter if she melt down or refused listening. I know my daughter will be excited to see in laws family which I do not like. They can put her to hyper and tease her even I am deaf mom and my hubby is a hearing. It is very tough approach at Christmas party at in laws house.
Amber says
What do you think about the controlling family members that will jump in and start trying to ” fix” the situation in a way that is not comfortable for you or your child? Any ideas?
Rachel Norman says
I think that’s highly annoying. HA!
Lindsay says
Thank you!! I’ve already had a couple of “stand offs” with my 4yo daughter, and she’s getting wise enough to know that it makes me uncomfortable in front of others. And she plays it to her advantage. I needed this tonight. Thank you.
Rachel Norman says
Ahhh, yes the ole power play, great notice!