This week I’m doing a 3 part series on something we wish didn’t exist, but does.
- The Lion That Wants to Devour Your Family (Part 1)
- Protecting Your Home From the Lion (Part 2)
- How to Cope and Respond When the Lion Has Been Let In (Part 3)
Here we are again. In a series that is ugly, no good, and very uncomfortable to write. But one we simply can’t avoid talking about. I’ll recap the mantra we have to tell ourselves this week.
“I am an adult. I will not be naive. I will be grown up about this for the sake of my family. I will not pretend members of my family are above the things that tempt the rest of the free world.”
But by this point in the series on protecting your family from pornography, you may already know there’s an issue in your home. Or, at least, you want to prepare yourself in the event you discover something.
Today’s thoughts are based on a lot of reading, research, and the latest suggestions from experts in the field.
In years past, the mantras of those who were clueless (but trying to be helpful) went like this:
- All men look at pornography, it’s no big deal.
- Boys will be boys.
- Porn is harmless.
- It’s not about you, you shouldn’t feel so hurt.
In short, these are all Lies Lies Lies.
For the sake of your children and your marriage, know this: purity from pornography is completely possible. In fact, it’s normal.
If you’ve found that pornography has had a stronghold in your home in one way or another and it’s hurting you… you are not alone and you are not crazy for feeling out of control and hurt.
If your spouse struggles then you can gift him the book 10 Lies Men Believe About Porn with the code THELION. It’s free for my readers but valued at $14.99. Thanks so much for your ministry, Stephen!
What's in this post...
Have a Frank Conversation
If your children are in adolescence and beyond yet you’ve never had an open discussion about this topic, now is the time.
Lack of intimacy has been shown to be a root of addiction, so creating and fostering an environment of openness and willingness to discuss things without shaming will go a long way in being a strong support for your children. (Here are some books you can use to go through with your children.)
If you have suspicion, dread or worry your husband has been looking at pornography, my heart goes out to you. Intuition is like an alarm bell.
From your own home, you can hear the town bell ringing, but you don’t know why. You aren’t sure what emergency it’s signaling or what you should do. You know something is wrong, but you aren’t sure what.
This article might help. 10 Signs of Porn Addiction: Do These Describe Your Husband? Don’t jump to conclusions, but do have a frank conversation with your spouse if you feel the need.
Be Clear in Your Expectations Without Shaming
With your children, be open, honest, and clear. Shaming will only cause your children to turn inwards and hide their actions from you. Instead of coming to you and discussing their temptations, incidences of exposure, or perhaps even friends who are constantly sharing this with them… they’ll retreat.
By enforcing boundaries and rules in your home regarding technology you aren’t punishing your children, you’re protecting them. (Here are some example boundaries and rules you could tweak for your own home).
Agree Upon House Guidelines
Here’s how you can begin to open up to discussion and create rules.
- Bring up the sex discussion with your kids. If it’s the first time, consider reading one of these books together to bring out the topic in the open.
- Ask them if they’ve been exposed to pornography or sought it out (might need individual discussions with each child) and be sure to help them understand they will not get in trouble.
- Help your children understand how pornography is a distortion of the way God made us, to be fulfilled in marriage. Conversations should be open and not with such a serious demeanor they clam up.
- Brainstorm ways to protect your family. Ask them for input and rules that might help them feel safe and protected. Assure them these rules and controls are not to punish, but to protect.
Go Easy On Yourself
If something bad is going on in your house you can do something about it. You aren’t captive or a victim of your circumstances. You can take measures to stop what’s happening, as far as you are able.
Or, if you aren’t able to stop certain actions, you can decide on certain boundaries or reactions of your own.
Research now shows 75% of wives whose husbands view pornography on a regular basis have something now referred to as Betrayal Trauma.
Bloom is an online community for women who have experienced betrayal trauma through infidelity or pornography addiction. The experts there say the following about betrayal trauma.
Betrayal trauma is a condition that parallels the symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and is caused when someone experiences betrayal and deception within their primary relationship; this betrayal damages the trust and safety of the relationship and calls into question the bond they have with their partner.
If you have been betrayed by your spouse through pornography use or infidelity, you may experience tremendous anxiety, high stress, fatigue, depression, despair, grief, fear, and other serious symptoms.
This post series does not focus explicitly on how to handle a partner’s use of pornography, but I wanted to touch on a few things I’ve seen come up time and time again.
- You don’t have to keep your husband’s secret. This enables the struggle to get stronger and stronger.
- You are not crazy for feeling heartbroken.
- You don’t have to let things go on as they have, you do have choices.
- You can decide to make changes (big or small) to bring about a shift in your circumstances.
Get Support and Don’t Withdraw
Perhaps you’ve read Kristen Welch’s (from We Are That Family) book Rhinestone Jesus where she talks about how her husband struggled with this sin until it came out into the open.
The worst thing you can do if you are struggling to cope with trauma in your own home (whether you’re stressed from your husband, children, or both) is to withdraw and go at it alone.
There are online communities such as Bloom and Addo Recovery that provide a wealth of information. Reach out to friends, pastors, mentors, and family members if you find yourself in need of more support. Whatever you do, don’t withdraw from love and support because you’re going through a hard time.
Fight the Good Fight
Lastly, fight the good fight, mama. There are some battles not worth worrying about and others that really really are.
Whether your child has been exposed to pornography or whether they are struggling with an addiction, fight the good fight for for them.
Pornography addiction is a very real issue in our society today and our kids deserve our best effort. Here are some articles if you need to address this issue in your home:
- My Child Has Been Exposed to Porn: 5 Critical Truths You Need to Know.
- 3 Critical Steps to Protecting Children After Betrayal
- Where to Find the Greatest Source of Comfort
- How to Create a Home of Trust and Openness
- 5 Insights into the Sacred Duty of the Mother and Father
Here are the 3 posts in this series:
- The Lion That Wants to Devour Your Family (Part 1)
- Protecting Your Home From the Lion (Part 2)
- How to Cope and Respond When the Lion Has Been Let In (Part 3)
Hello,
I have been enjoying your blog recently. This series was excellent and so necessary! Thank you for sharing all the info and resources. My husband and I are missionaries, and are interested in getting the book, 10 Lies Men Believe About Porn as a resource to help men struggling with porn. I clicked on the link, but don’t see how to actually get the book. Where is the promo code used? Thanks so much for you help!
S, if you go to that page and add the book to the cart, can you add the coupon in the ‘promo’ or ‘coupon’ section?