Perfectionism is a heavy burden to bear. Hereâs how to help your child move away from and manage their perfectionism and to be less hard on themselves.
âSheâs such a perfectionistâŚâ
A phrase often said by people who, clearly, are not perfectionists. Said with exasperation and annoyance because, quite frankly, itâs annoying when people want things perfect.
But you know what is worse than others pushing their perfectionist tendencies on you?
What's in this post...
Being a perfectionist.
Perfectionism is a heavy heavy burden to bear. It robs of joy, fulfillment, and sense of accomplishment because, quite frankly, it could have been better.
âIt looks great!â you say. âNo it doesnât, that line is crooked, see?â he answers.
Perfectionism can start as early as preschool in response to both internal and external expectations. The Parentâs Guide to Raising a Gifted Toddler even goes so far as to say that it can result in an unhappy and unproductive child.
âYou are special. There is no one in the whole world exactly like you, and people can like you just the way you are.â Mr. Rogers Neighborhood
Here are some symptoms of the Perfectionist Syndrome:
- high levels of anxiety
- relentless self-criticism
- tendency to magnify imperfections (âIâm not good at anythingâ)
- Excessive criticism of others
- Fear of trying new things (fear of failure)
- Inability to share responsibility (wanting to do everything on their own)
- Feelings of inferiority or inadequacy, and
- Susceptibility to depression and feeling flat (especially after completion of some task).
Generally speaking, there are two types of perfectionists:
- those that work maniacally to achieve their lofty and often unattainable goals, and
- those who never begin their tasks because they are so afraid to fail or do something that isnât perfect.
Check off critical household, social, and hygiene skills for your child so theyâre prepared (not petrified) of growing up!
Ways to help your child move away from unhealthy perfectionism:
My husband is a textbook procrastinating perfectionist and we can see that my firstborn son is very similar. Weâve talked long and hard about how his personality does lend him towards this, but we want to do all we can to help it from becoming a deeply ingrained pattern.
It can be crippling and a hard cycle to break. From this perspective and our research, here is our plan of attack:Â
1. Separate success from being âgoodâ or âbadâ
When a child does something successfully, thereâs a tendency to say âgood boy, well done!â so enthusiastically that your child begins to associate being âgoodâ with doing things well.
Itâs hard at first, I know, but instead of going overboard with generic âgood boyâ praise when they do something well try acknowledging their successes calmly, kindly, and with specific praise likeâŚ
âIâm so proud of you for tying your shoes by yourself. It took some practice, but you did it.â
Want to help develop your childâs strengths Use these cards to dive into the character qualities and how your child does â and can in the future = exhibit them in their own life.
Learn More2. Focus on learning not performance.Â
Here is is⌠this is key.
Focus on a learning/growth mindset instead of a performance moment.
If a child feels the goal is how well they perform, then even accomplishing an extremely difficult task (but having a few snafus along the way) is failure.
Why do they do this?
- Because they didnât perform it perfectly the first time.
On the other hand, if learning is the goal then they are more easily able to feel accomplishment even if they didnât get it right.
Why?
- Because they learned something along the way and can do it better the next time round.
3. Teach persistence.Â
Children who are âparalyzed perfectionistsâ tend to want to give up at the first sign they canât do something perfectly.
The truth is, theyâd rather not do it than find themselves to be a âfailure.â
My 3 year old, the one with perfectionist tendencies, will often try something once, then melodramatically fall down on the floor moaning, âI canât!â
I calmly stand by and say, âYou think you canât. Iâll stand right here with you as you try again.â
One time it took him A LONG TIME to put on his underwear and I nearly died, but he got it and was genuinely pleased with himself.
I praised his persistence and effort and he now does it on its own.
Encouraging persistence will be tedious for you because itâll require persistence on your own part. Donât take back tasks they are scared to perform. Youâll have to be disciplined yourself to stand alongside and encourage them.
4. Link failure to lack of effort, not skill.
Use language in your home that shows you value effort over performance.
Using phrases like:
- Iâm proud of your effort
- Well done for trying so hard
- Youâre still learning so itâs ok
- With more practice, it will get easier
- Hard work leads to success
- I donât want you to go back and try again, I want you to keep going forward and learning new ways
Donât use phrases like:
- Thatâs awesome, youâre a greatâŚ
- Thatâs good enough
- That wonât work
- You might be able toâŚ
- Look at how well your brother is doing
Explain then reinforce that success is often a result of many hours, days, weeks, and years of effort. That success is never a given and itâs effort that counts.
Emotions are a H U G E part of a young childâs life. These âI Am Feelingâ cards will reduce tantrums, meltdowns, and help your little one learn emotional awareness.
Learn More5. Give unconditional love.
Children, particularly gifted kids, may feel their worth and belonging in the family is tied to their performance or their intelligence.
Make sure your child knows they are loved because of their position in the family, not based on their performance.
Encourage them by telling them traits and characteristics you love about them, about who they are, not what they do. To help them with their perfectionistic mindset, separate what they do from who they are.
6. Push them out of their comfort zone regularly.
A child who is a perfectionist will likely only want to put their efforts towards things they feel they can excel at.
Fear of failure stops them from trying new things, and they forge a very small world where they feel safe. (Safe meaning they are not likely to fail.)
By regularly pushing them into new situations, new environments, and giving them new experiences you are â little by little â enlarging their world.
Create a safe place to âfailâ and have learning be the goal, not performance in these new situations. By regularly pulling your child out of his shell, heâll be more comfortable in the âunknownâ and not as paralyzed.
âHealthy striving is self-focused: âHow can I improve?â
Perfectionism is other-focused: âWhat will they think?â Brene Brown
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a âcalm downâ trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
Rachel, I LOVE this post and couldn’t agree with it more. I am all about praising effort over supposedly innate traits. Celebrating mistakes. Teaching grit and perseverance. And yes, showing unconditional love no matter what.
Thanks, Nina. Am so with you on everything above. SO IMPORTANT!
Thuan was so VERY helpful! I’m raising an almost 4 year old son who won’t even color because he cannot stay perfectly in the lines! All these tips were very applicable! Thank you!! I’ll be following and post a follow up review on my website!
Yes, I also recommend The Temperament God Gave Your Kids because I have a child – melancholic behavior – that is similar and I am constantly trying to get him to understand that “done” is better than “perfect”
I can relate to this! My daughter who is now 7 (and expresses her creativity freely đ ) would only color with ONE color for an entire picture when she was 5. She was so worried about staying in the lines that she couldnât even relax long enough to pick a different crayon!
All of the tips were so helpful.
Thank you! How do I sign up for the free email series on perfectionism? I don’t see the “image to click on below.” Thanks!
Never mind! My computer was just slow =) It popped up and I found the sign up link! Thanks!
Sally
Thank you for this article! Unfortunately my son gets his perfectionist quality from me and I struggle just as much as he does. This mornings struggle was because he is gifted academically and usually passes his first spelling test during the week and gets challenge words. This week he didnât pass that test and did not receive the challenge list. It changes his whole demeanor and turns into Eeyore. Iâve tried explaining to him learning is all about trying your best, making mistakes, remembering those mistake and doing it again. Iâm not sure how else to do..
Christyn, it’s so hard to get over these perfectionist habits. The good news is that as you make strides for this in your own life your son will naturally begin to catch on. There IS hope!
Well written!! I have found these suggestions to be effective in my home as well! Thank you for sharing your experiences so beautifully. You help so many!
Thank you for this! We are entering into our second year of homeschooling. One of the biggest things I learned about myself during our first year was that I am the type of perfectionist that struggles with starting and can unfortunately be very critical to those around me. đ This year I am a better teacher to my children because I will focus on us showing up and being persistent instead of checking off all the boxes. đĽ°