There are two main types of personalities, introverts and extroverts. It’s important that you know which one your child is so you can help them cope.
It was a few Christmases ago at our Progressive Dinner.
When my friend arrived she asked if there was a quiet place her 8 year old daughter could go to just relax and be alone.
The girl said she just couldn’t cope with the crowds and needed some rest time since her weekend had already been so busy. I let her have some calm down time in my bedroom where she wouldn’t be disturbed.
I thought about it for days afterwards.
How emotionally mature is an 8-year-old who realizes their need to be alone after a busy few days?
How many adults don’t even make that connection? My friend said she knew that her daughter was an introvert and needed that time to herself to recharge and recoop and that they had often talked about these things.
After that day I determined I’d do the same with my kids, no matter which way their personality leaned.
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
What's in this post...
Is your child an Introvert or Extrovert?
How to care for an introvert:
- Respect their need for privacy
- Never embarrass them in public
- Let them observe first in new situations
- Give them time to think before answering
- Allow them Quiet Time each day
- Allow them advanced notice of change
- Give them 15 minute warning so they can finish what they’re working on
- Reprimand them privately
- Teach them new skills privately
- Enable them to find one best friend, don’t push friendships
- Don’t try to change them into extroverts
How to care for an extrovert:
- Respect their independence
- Compliment them in the company of others
- Accept and encourage their enthusiasm
- Allow them to explore and talk things out
- Thoughtfully surprise them
- Understand when they are busy
- Let them dive right in
- Offer them options
- Make physical and verbal gestures of affection
- Let them shine
Here are some ways we can begin to help our children cope with the way they were made so they are always full of energy and life and able to prevent burnout:
1. Help them determine their introvert or tendencies.
This may be easier said than done…
When our children are super young it’ll be hard to tell. Of course later, when you know for sure their persuasion, you’ll probably be able to say that you could see those tendencies even from a young age.
As they get older you can ask them questions to help determine their introvert or extrovert tendencies.
This will be helpful because knowing about this part of them will help you understand their reactions, meltdowns and opinions on a great many things that come up in life.
2. Teach them how this personality affects their mood.
Once your child has pinpointed if they are an introvert or an extrovert, help them understand what this means on a day-to-day basis.
If they understand that their reactions are normal, okay and just part of who they are they will feel more secure and confident.
For example. one sibling might feel wrong because they don’t love the spotlight like another of their siblings. This will put things in perspective.
I’m an only child so I’m used to being alone. Plus I like to be alone. I will never forget the week I truly realized just how introverted I am. You see, I was staying with my husband’s family of 5 (then my fiancée) at a cottage in Scotland.
I naturally kept moving to rooms no one was in so that I could be alone.
Then, one person would come in, then another, and after a while the room was full. I’d move to another room and it’d happen again. I laughed when I finally realized what was happening. It wasn’t that I was trying to get away from them, it was just my personality.
It wasn’t even that they were trying to be near me. They were just used to being around others without feeling the need to talk or engage. They were relaxed.
I was completely not relaxed because I felt that if someone was there, that I needed to talk. The introvert in me feels that being around others means that I’m “on” which is why its hard for me to relax.
This is why it’s so important that I process and recharge.
Strong and happy families have carefully crafted Family Cultures. They don’t let guilt drive them, rather they spend their time and energy digging deep into a few key family areas that pay off in spades.
Learn More3. Force the time.
Let me explain. At first, enforce the time, whether alone or with others. This will illustrate the concept.
Knowing if your child is an introvert or extrovert is just the first step. Be sure to use this knowledge to help them navigate socially.
If your child is an extrovert and you spend most of your days at home, begin to branch out and give him or her opportunities to be with others. Or, if your child is an introvert and has been very busy of late, don’t feel bad letting them stay at home.
Read: Kids At Church Are Mean? Here’s How To Help Your Kids Cope!
Help prepare your kids for life, one skill at a time. Simple, easy skills every month!
Learn MoreI believe my 2-year-old is an introvert…
The other day I told her she seemed like she needed a break. She actually stopped her challenging behavior, asked to go into her room alone, and then sat there singing for ten minutes.
She wanted to be away from everyone and alone, the poor little thing. That is why Independent Play is so important for her.
4. Communicate with them in a way that increases their self-awareness.
Maybe it’s because I’m an only child or maybe it’s because of my introverted tendencies, but I am extremely self-aware.
During my masters I had to take multiple personality tests (multiple tests not tests to see if I had multiple personality… although some days I think I do) and I absolutely loved them.
What a weirdo, I know. I loved getting the results and seeing that they fit me to a tee. If we learn to ask our children the right questions, we can help them know themselves better.
Self-awareness is a sign of maturity and really makes life easier. If you don’t know what you want then you are not likely to get it.
Ask your children questions like:
- “Do you prefer to be in large groups or with one or two friends?”
- “When you are tired, do want to be alone to rest or do you want to play with your friends?”
- Do you feel happy with a lot of people?
- How do you feel when you are alone reading a book?
When your children express some sentiment you can begin to help them unravel it and explain to them what’s happening.
Ask lots of questions that begin with, “How does this or that make you feel?” Link together cause and effect for them. This works even at a young age.
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
There’s Power in Knowing…
To this day I am so impressed my friend’s daughter was actually willing to forego playing with all of the other kids to have some time to herself.
The other kids were screaming and yelling and playing and she sat happy as can be in my bedroom, alone, playing minesweeper.
She knew what she needed to feel together again and it gave her enough self-confidence and security to not worry about what others were doing.
She didn’t worry about missing out.
And you know what? At the next house on the progressive dinner she was able to play with the other kids. It wasn’t self-imposed grounding, she was just doing what she needed to do to feel at peace. We could all learn a lesson.
I guess I have always thought of myself as an introvert but for the wrong reasons. I am clearly an introvert because I crave and enjoy time by mself. I could actually go for days without being with others and completely content. Don’t get me wrong, I love being with family and friends but really need my quiet time to get myself back together. Great information.
I am exactly the same :)
extrovert would be me! I can be alone but I do enjoy social interaction. but could it be since i am retired and want social interaction? yes he does look like dad.
I think you are definitely extroverted but that is a good point. Different times of life may bring out different levels of it all!
I’m definitely an introvert. Growing up I was labeled as “shy” and I still tend to use that label on myself. But I never fully understood what being an introvert meant until I was in my mid-30s (I’m 38 now). I have a better understanding of it and the big eye-opener for me when I learned more about it is the alone time to re-energize. I used to feel guilty when I craved time away from my kids. I LOVE my children and I’m a full-time working mom, so it’s not like I constantly have children climbing on me. I do need my time away from them by being alone and not just going to work. But when I started to really understand being an introvert, I knew those times I craved for were due to my needing alone time, no work, no kids, in order for me to re-energize. Usually this doesn’t happen until the kids are in bed, which leaves me little time since I go to bed soon after them. But I do my best to make it happen. When my husband is around, he tends to let them stay up later than I personally would. And I’ve tried explaining to him why I need that time after they go to bed. But the 1 or 2 (sometimes 3) nights a week that he works, I make sure to get the kids to bed on time….sometimes early, so I can have that time to myself. I believe it makes me a better parent and I no longer feel guilty for having that alone time.
I’m trying to figure out whether my 2 oldest are intro/extro-verts by reading up more on the subject. So thank you for writing this blog (apparently a long time ago, but I just read this today).
Ann, I am on the border between extro and intro and SO know what you are talking about. And I do the same, I get the kids in bed at their bedtime almost every single night. People think it’s nuts or I am too regimented, and I’m like, “Ha, it’s not so much for their sake as it is for MINE!” And you’re right that though you are away from them at work you aren’t away from work, so really you need separate time completely, don’t you?
Thanks for this post about introverted and extroverted kiddos. My four year old daughter is definitely introverted, and I’m thinking my 2 year old daughter is more extroverted.
I saw in your second point above that teaching them about their personality can help them not feel like they are doing things wrong because they do something differently than their sibling. Similar to that point, how would you recommend giving an equal amount of attention to both opposite-ends-of-the-spectrum personalities? For example, my two year old loves to be silly and make others in a crowd or at a store laugh and pay attention to her, but my four year old’s face is so saddened that no one is looking at her (even though she hides behind her younger sister most of the time 😂). It makes me sad that I don’t know what to do, and I usually just give her a quiet, reassuring smile and squeeze, but she still seems bummed. And she’s come to me after, usually when it’s with a group of our friends, and say that “sister always gets to do more.” Any suggestions?