“It wasn’t my fault” and “he made me do it” are phrases kids like to put on repeat. A parent’s job is to help children learn to take responsibility for their actions, both because it’s right and because it helps teach them cause and effect. A lesson that will serve them well for life.
It’s a fact of human nature: no one likes to be wrong.
We don’t want to get in trouble.
We don’t want to face negative consequences.
We want the easy way out.
This goes for men, women, young and old.
Blame shifting (n): a tactic to push fault on another person. Essentially, blame shifting happens when children blame others or external circumstances on their behavior. Whether they did something wrong, failed to do something right, or feel a certain way, they are reluctant to own up to their own part or responsibility. They shift the burden of blame and/or action on others.
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“He started it!”
“She was there with me!”
“I can’t help it.”
Ultimately, kids don’t want to displease their parents because they love us. They want us to be happy, not angry. But it’s human nature to test boundaries and try new things, even if those are forbidden. Because they (a) love us, (2) don’t want to get in trouble, and (d) prefer the path of least resistance they will often try to blame shift. While you shouldn’t be alarmed when this happens, it’s something you should most definitely work to curb for quite a few reasons.
1. Allowing blame shifting robs them of one of life’s most important lessons.
In my personal opinion, one of the great life lessons we can help our children take hold of in childhood is this: cause and effect. Children need to learn – for their own good! – that it’s important to take responsibility for their actions. To own up to their mistakes. To be the master of their own responses.
Example: If one child takes something off the other and the response is a kick, there are two things happening. One, a child swiped a possession. Two, a child responded with a kick. Both have a level of responsibility and I believe it’s important that both parties shoulder the responsibility for their own choices. Excusing bad behavior (in response to another bad behavior) just says, “Sure you can hit/slap/scream if someone does something unpleasant to you.“
2. Blame shifting encourages passivity.
Strong and happy families have carefully crafted Family Cultures. They don’t let guilt drive them, rather they spend their time and energy digging deep into a few key family areas that pay off in spades.
Learn MoreThere are times when your child will do something (like color on the walls or take money from you, in an extreme example) and deny it or blame it on someone else. There are other times, however, when they will fail to do something and blame it on external circumstances of people. I believe this is ultimately more dangerous.
Example: Your child has a deadline for school, waits until the night before it’s due, then realizes the printer is out of ink, and Wal-Mart doesn’t have a replacement. But it’s not Wal-Mart’s fault. The work still has to be done and now it’s time to find another way. Blame shifting says, “Oh well, it’s not my fault they were out of ink. I’ll just have to turn it in late and hope it’s excused.” Problem solving says, “Is there somewhere else I can go – perhaps to a family member’s house? – and print it? I won’t do this again!” That is recognizing that they must now deal with their choice to delay work and find another solution.
Read: Time In Vs. Time Out … and is Time Out Damaging Kids?
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3. Blame shifting discourages ownership.
Blame shifting says, “this is someone else’s problem, not mine.” Well sometimes that’s true. But sometimes it isn’t. By reminding your child they own their choices, emotions, and decisions you are actually empowering them to change their situations. Those who feel that “life happens to them” do not set and meet goals. They feel at the mercy of life. They feel robbed if luck doesn’t go their way. Instead of working harder and persevering they blame life or fate for their situation.
4. Blame shifting increases pride and decreases the capacity for humility.
I have one child who quickly tries to blame shift anytime it’s clear someone is in trouble (I see where this comes from because this child has my personality). It’s often a struggle to get the child to admit they are wrong. But, when given enough time to think about what happened, the desire to make things right is born. This is humility.
However, if the child isn’t given time to swallow their pride and see where they hurt another, humility and empathy don’t rise to the surface. This often requires time alone for reflection. I believe “time out” is helpful not because of the isolation factor, but because it’s the only way they are given time and space to think about what’s happened.
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How to discourage blame shifting:
- Hold each child accountable for their actions, not the one who “started it.”
- Notice when your child fails to take responsibility for their actions and gently remind them where the responsibilities lay.
- Require your kids to follow through with what they start.
- Help your children own age appropriate tasks and chores by enforcing consequences if they go undone.
- Help your kids learn to problem solve and ask questions when they feel powerless.
- Discourage self-pity by having them think outside themselves.
- Don’t become the referee.
How do you handle it when your child tries to blame others for their actions?
Frequently Asked Questions
Every part of parenting feels overwhelming and never-ending when we’re in the thick of it. Obviously, training takes time and results will not be automatic, but we must remain consistent in how we approach blame-shifting. Don’t become the referee but try different strategies above to find what works best for your kids.
Model taking responsibility for your actions and draw your kids’ attention to it and have a conversation about how this plays out in life. If you yell because someone cuts you off in traffic, instead of blaming your actions on the other driver, take ownership for what you did and discuss it with your kids.
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I’m a kindergarten teacher and have an epidemic of students blame shifting. Unfortunately parents don’t see it that way. I would love to share your very insightful article with parents in my newsletter but need a printer friendly version. Do you have one?
Julia, I don’t, but I wonder if you copied and pasted it into Word and deleted the images, would that work? I may try to figure out a way to have a printer friendly version here soon!
What happens when teens develop meth habits and hurt people and their parents take the position of blaming all the people they hurt? “Mother bears” who refuse to own responsibility for themselves and refuse even more strongly to hold their children accountable?
I have a 14 year old defiant daughter. I am an authoritative parent. She has been defiant from birth. However, with the help of her psychologist, we were able to modify her behavior a lot. Recently, she has become quite rebellious, which I know is normal teenager behavior. However, my concern is that she doesn’t realize the consequences she has suffered due to her poor decision making lately are her fault not ours. For example, she was not able to attend the first high school dance because she was EXTREMELY disrespectful to us. I outlined to her exactly what she said and did. I had already purchased tickets and an outfit, because my intention was to let her go to the dance. However, after she chose to be disrespectful, I punished her with no dance. She blames me/us for all the fun things she is missing out on. When in reality it’s her behavior and poor choices that are leading to our decision to punish her. Please help. How do I help her see that her dad and I have plans of allowing her to go-out with friends, party, etc. As long as her grades are satisfactory and her conduct and respect level with us is respectful.
Hi Diane, it sounds like you are doing everything you can to help teach your daughter about consequences. Have you read any books about children’s love languages? I only say that as when my children start to become “out of control” I often realize it’s because the way they want to receive love is not the way I naturally give it. You sound like you’re doing all you can, so my advice might be pointless, but that’s where I try to start.
Admittedly I’ve only read a few comments on here. But seems to me the attitude displayed by the article, commenters and so on are prime examples of the issue it supposedly is addressing. No responsibility taken by anyone around here it seems….it is now such a widespread problem it’s downright dangerous for people who are trying to bring their kids up with some discipline.
It’s all in the way you present/state things. You said, “after she chose to be disrespectful, I punished her with no dance. She blames me/us for all the fun things she is missing out on. When in reality it’s her behavior and poor choices that are leading to our decision to punish her.”
Notice that you said, “I punished her with no dance” and “our decision to punish her?” The way you stated it to her reinforces the idea that YOU are the reason she couldn’t go to the dance…not her choices. I would not use the word “punishment,” but instead use the word consequences…the consequences of her choices.
“How do I help her see that her dad and I have plans of allowing her to go-out with friends, party, etc. As long as her grades are satisfactory and her conduct and respect level with us is respectful.”
Yes, we know you, as the parent are “in charge of/have control of the priveleges you allow your daughter to partake in,” but if you continue to use that type of language, that will only reinforce her defiant behavior because it’s constantly being shoved in her face that YOU have the control and not her. State clear boundaries and expectations for her but let her know that SHE has the power to control what she gets to do, by her behavior choices. Yes, it’s basically the same thing as what you stated, but this way it’s stated in a way that lets HER feel she’s got the power/control, versus you contolling her….which with defiant kids….will only backfire and increase defiance. Changes won’t happen overnight, as you’ve probably parented like this since she was young, but over time, you should definitely see an improvement in her taking ownership of her behavior.
Such a great response! Control by my parents led with more defiance also especially for the sake of control. Also sometimes small things get blown out of proportion from the parents and harsh consequences can cause a lot of damage
I have a 17 yo daughter who has tremendous difficulty acknowledging that a particular action she did was wrong much less able to express remorse or apology. She gets stuck in the “details” and says the facts aren’t correct. For example, with no regard, she entered her younger brother’s room and sprayed some sort of fragrance. Why? No clear logic offered. Then, just states, “It wasn’t a fragrance. It wasn’t a perfume”. We all could smell a strong perfume. She wouldn’t acknowledge it at all. I found the entire conversation infuriating. She has zero tolerance for anyone else doing anything remotely close to what she did. In fact, all hell would break loose.
Hold them to the consequences. You can say”I am sorry you don’t agree, I hope in time you will learn to see how your choices will affect others, but in the mean time cuz is the consequence for your action.” If she continues to argue, remind her that she does not get to argue with you, however, you are open for discussion if she would like after the consequence has been paid. In my experience, the child is upset they got caught and once they’ve paid the consequences and had time to think it over, they are more open to see their wrong.
Hi, I have a 9 year old boy who doesn’t seem to understand that he has to take responsibility for his actions. His teachers have tried repeatedly to explain that he has to admit his mistakes or own his choices but it seems to be getting worth, not better. I have tried discussing with him on several occasions but it doesn’t seem to register with him that admitting that you did something wrong is absolutely fine. I even mentioned to him that I, as an adult, apologize when I do something wrong. I can’t seem to reach him or get him to understand the importance of owning his mistakes.
I have a 9 year old step child who who is and has been for the past few years blame shifts for her actions. But instead of her mother teaching her to take responsibility for her actions she is allowing her daughter to blame me for her disrespecting her teachers, not turning in homework and just plan o’l acting bad. The excuses she gave her mother for her bad behavior is when she visits her father here at our home I make her take baths and she didn’t get “expensive” Christmas gifts this year. Her mother tells her father to see the ‘BIG PICTURE” and is keeping the child away. I have 2 boys of my own. They are good boys, not just saying that because they are my kids but they are both honor roll students and are very close to me. I get the occasional talking back and not wanting to do homework but I teach my boys what’s important and take responsibility for their actions. I have never had a problem like this with my own children. It’s so very frustrating to having to go through this. This is an ongoing occurrence with the child and her mother. How do you tell a mother that how she is raising her child is not healthy? Teaching your child NOT taking responsibility can have a long term effect, especially as an adult.
What is a good consequence for a child (teen girl age 14 w adhd) who blame shifts onto her mom (me) whenever she is corrected, and rages and refuses to listen to instruction or correction, and starts calling names? (in front of younger obedient siblings setting a terrible example) I really need consequences that will work. Whatever I do, she goes into a rage and starts saying what a bad mom I am or how I am doing something wrong, if she is called on any behavior. She has learned this from her dad having similar behaviors of blame shifting, and although I can’t discipline dad, I need a discipline for her. Help!
This sounds like she is more than blame shifting, she is disrespecting you. Don’t let her (I know, easier said then done). Try; “I am sorry you don’t agree with me, but I will remind you that I am the mother and you are the child. You do not get to talk like that to me, regardless of how you feel about it. If you choose to disrespect me as well as disobey, you will have to pay that consequence too.” Then if she continues to argue, “I am sorry you are choosing to disrespect me, but you will now have ‘xyz’ in addition to ‘abc’ as your conscience.” It will take time, you’ll need consistency. But as someone said in earlier comments, try parenting to her heart, she may be reacting out of some other reason. Not that it excuses her behavior. Such as; a hungry toddler is more apt to throw fits, but they still need to be taught they can’t throw a fit even when hungry, but if you give them a snack they may take their consequence with less of a fight. Your teen should not disrespect you and get away Scott free, but if you are able to teach to their heart in a way they feel loved they might see their actions as wrong.
Thanks for sharing the article and it is built in their DNA.