If you are a tired mom and still up doing night feedings and craving some sleep, maybe you are asking yourself if baby sleep training is right for you. Here are some thoughts that will hopefully help.
The term “sleep training” is fairly controversial these days, so let me start by saying I’m not writing this to rock boats, get comments, or ruffle feathers.
I’m writing because – dadgummit – moms are exhausted. Babies are cute bundles of joy that require a lot of work, attention, time, and sacrifice.
They are worth it, but they are a lot of work.
Many moms sleep train from Day One. It’s a priority in their home, and they set out to establish good sleeping patterns from the get go. They are happy with their choice, confident in their steps, and don’t second guess themselves.
Other moms consciously do not sleep train their babies, but choose to take a more laid back and responsive approach to their baby’s needs and cues. They are happy with their choice, confident in their steps, and don’t second guess themselves.
And then there are the other moms.Â
The moms who aren’t quite sure where they stand. They don’t really know if sleep training is right for them and, in fact, they aren’t sure what sleep training really means.
Maybe they just hear people being for or against “crying it out.” Their babies are exhausted. They are exhausted. And they need some hope!
Read: Get A Tired Baby To Sleep — In 4 Simple Steps
What's in this post...
What sleep training is:
For those moms who aren’t quite sure what baby sleep training is, I’d like to share a few key points.
There are a million ways to skin a cat it’s no different with establishing healthy sleep patterns, but there are a few key elements to keep in mind that most sleep training strategies agree upon.
- Establishing good daytime habits that contribute to nighttime sleep
- Keeping a steady routine (which is different for everyone) that signals “time to sleep”
- Creating feeding and eating habits that allow for extended sleep
- Helping your baby learn to sleep, and get back to sleep, on their own
What sleep training isn’t:
Now let’s talk about what it isn’t. Sleep training can get a bad rap because the term has a negative connotation. I’d like to debunk some of that for a bit.
- Forcing your baby to sleep when they don’t need it
- Regularly letting them scream themselves to sleep as a strategy
- Depriving your baby of nourishment
Fast, simple, and free strategies to implement if baby can’t get to sleep, won’t stay asleep, or is unsettled in general.
So… is it selfish?
Well, maybe. Or maybe not. Establishing healthy sleep patterns for babies (and every other member of the family) is beneficial for the individual and the family. So maybe it’s selfish to want your baby to sleep well. But sometimes selfishness is necessary for our own survival.
The more children you have the more you realize you can’t always put everyone else’s habits above your own needs.
So, if you are doing something against the best interest of your baby for your own pleasure, that’s selfish. If your baby is too young to truly sleep through the night or has medical issues that prevent it from establishing healthy patterns and you force the issue, that is selfish.
If you know your baby is capable of sleeping through the night but you just need some pointers and good habits, that’s not selfish.
Create sustainable sleep habits for your little lamb so the whole family can sleep peacefully without the stress, drama, and tears.
Learn MoreHow’s it any different?
It’s the middle of the night and the parents are asleep as well as the other kids in the home. The baby awakes for yet another feed.
The mom is pretty convinced the baby doesn’t still need to be feeding every 2 hours throughout the night at 8 months, but isn’t quite sure how else to keep the baby from waking everyone else in the house. So she feeds the baby back to sleep and climbs back in bed knackered and frustrated.
That is – if you’ll accept it – actually a form of sleep training.
The mom is training the baby to go back to sleep through the night only with a feed. Now, does this mean the mom needs to let the baby scream all night? Of course not! But can other habits and practices be put into effect that can stop this from becoming a nightly ritual? Absolutely!
And really, sleep training won’t last more than a few days (two weeks tops even if you’re a gentle mama) if your baby is ready.
Habits like the above can last for years…
Fast, simple, and free strategies to implement if baby can’t get to sleep, won’t stay asleep, or is unsettled in general.
1. Get started on the right path
It’s never too late to start figuring out how to get your little one to sleep better. No matter what type of habits are happening now, you can begin to make some positive changes that will benefit everyone.
First steps include pinpointing exactly why your baby is waking up during the night, and trying to minimize that.
So, for example, if you feel they are genuinely hungry, the goal is to feed them enough throughout the day that they are not genuinely hungry at night.
So if they need (completely untrue but easy for illustration) 10 cups of milk a day, don’t give them 5 during the day and 5 at night. Start increasing the amount they drink and eat during the day so they are not starving at night.
Read: 11 quick and easy tips to help your newborn sleep better
2. Focus on the daytime
Surprisingly, much sleep training actually happens during the daytime. For babies there are opportunities during the day (before naps, for example) to prepare them to sleep well at night. Giving them good opportunities to exercise, but not be overstimulated.
Not allowing them to get overtired is a huge factor in sleep training.
By ensuring they have a good nap they will be better set up for sleeping through the night. For naps, putting them in their cribs awake and drowsy helps them learn to fall asleep on their own without intervention.
All of this will contribute to them being able to slightly rouse at night, then roll over and go back to sleep on their own.
Read: How to encourage sleeping in and longer naps
3. Understand the importance of timing
A huge – HUGE – part of getting your baby to sleep well throughout the day and night is timing. It means hitting the “window.” It means not letting them get too overtired or overstimulated until it’s basically impossible for them to sleep well.
You know you feel when you are exhausted beyond exhaustion? It’s even more difficult to go to sleep and when you do, you toss and turn.
It’s a misconception that keeping babies up longer to “wear them out” will result in better sleeping. Preschoolers? Yes, probably. Babies and early toddlers? No. When the babies starts rubbing their eyes, acting fussy, or has been up a set amount of hours, they are tired. If you move past the window, they’ll get a second wind.
Read: Gentle Sleep Training 101 for Older Babies
Want to get a bit more rest and break out of the exhaustion cycle? This checklist will help.
4. Determine your stance on “crying it out”
I’ll not get into this issue here because each family may have different views and opinions on the matter. Either way, you can flat sure sleep train without crying it out if you want to.
So, if you aren’t comfortable with a lot of crying from your baby that does NOT mean your baby will never sleep well.
Here are some very popular books that will cover the gamut from crying it out to no crying at all.
Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child
5. Be consistent
First and foremost (even though I’ve put it last) you must be consistent. Babies will follow your cues – even if you think you’re following their cues – and will begin to entrench themselves in the habits you set. So, consistent night feedings long past when it’s necessary will become habit.
And it will require consistency and steadiness to create new habits.
When you determine your first steps and the new habits you want to create, stick with them. It may take a bit before you see changes, but the changes will come. Your baby wants to get more consistent and healthy sleep! So do you!
I love this article. There is so much misconception of sleep training and people think there is only way to do it. The amazing success I have seen my clients have from sleep training is proof enough that sleep is best for everyone! xo Sleep Baby Love
Thanks for this encouragement, Susie! So many people are scared to talk about sleep training or they’re hostile about it. I’ve found that the most hostile are those who assume that sleep training means that for days, weeks, months, etc. everyone just ignores a poor crying baby. Have mercy! Going to check out your site now :)
Please don’t recommend Babywise!
I realize that book is still popular in some Christian circles, but the techniques that are suggested in that book can be harmful for young babies, especially for breast feeding mothers.
I enjoy reading your blog, and I agree with many of your posts. But I feel very strongly about encouraging breast feeding, and I know that book can be harmful in establishing a successful breastfeeding relationship between mother and child.
Hi Colleen! Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. I have breastfed all my babies on a type of schedule, so I wonder if perhaps it doesn’t depend on the mother and baby and that particular milk supply? I know Babywise and some other routine type strategies suggest feeding every 2 to 2.5 to 3 hours, so under normal circumstances that should be enough to keep a lot of milk I’d say. HOWEVER, you are too right that each mother and her baby does need to establish that successful breastfeeding relationship (or bottle feeding relationship if that’s their choice or only option) so thanks for pointing that out in the comments here for other readers who may be asking that same thing!
This is good post. The most difficult part of sleep training is knowing whether or not your child is ready. I think that’s what many parents may struggle with. Every baby is different so it’s hard to determine the perfect time to start training. My son was really bad right up until a week before his first birthday. I’m not sure if he was just ready at that point, or my time spent working with him or a combination of both. It’s definitely a tough topic!
It is a tough topic so thanks for your grace here. I agree with you that the touch part is determining timing and approach that best fits each family, mother and baby! There are so many ways to go about it that it really requires some peace on the mother’s part I think.
Oh my goodness. All of this. Yes. I am the (first-time) mother of a 2 month old and after not following a schedule and just feeding my baby whenever she cried, let me tell you, I was beyond exhausted and desperate for anything! I started reading up on Babywise and have just started Baby whisperer. Just changing my habits of having her eat, wake, and back to sleep saved my bacon. She started regularly eating every 2.5-3 hours and is starting to get good naps through the day. I was in awe of how well this worked for me (and her)…and then I learned of the mommy wars. The “I love my baby so much, I don’t care if I ever have a schedule”, “any mother who wanted to parent out of convenience shouldn’t have had a baby in the first place”, “those who “sleep-train” have babies who suffer low weight gain, failure to thrive, and are depressed” (ok, i’m paraphrasing, but that was the general idea). Ouch.
I’m just going to say neither my daughter nor I were happy before sleep training. We were *both* exhausted. I could go on and on, but like you, I don’t want to open that can of worms and start a debate (especially not on your well-written post). The only advice I would give any mom is read everything with an open mind. Read all about attachment parenting, read Babywise and the other books you mentioned (we also read Happiest Baby and tried those things for awhile), take *everything* with a grain of salt and go with your gut instinct (and of course ask of and listen to your pediatrician and lactation consulant). Yes, we are mothers and we have an intuition, but sometimes we need a little guidance from those who have gone before us (no need to re-invent the wheel here). After working with my little girl, she is eating well, sleeping well, and very happy. Which means I am eating well, sleeping well, and very happy. Win-win!
Anyways, sorry for the novel, and thanks for such an excellent post!
Mindy, thanks so much for sharing. I think many many mothers have had a similar experience to you. Going with the flow, but actually going AGAINST their own flow and finding themselves completely exhausted and at a loss. Some moms do attachment parenting and absolutely thrive as do their babies and I say good for them! Some moms schedule feed and sleep train (I sure did) and absolutely thrive and so do their babies. Good for us! Ha :) And I love your point about being open-minded. I too have heard the whole “they don’t gain weight or thrive” and that’s hogwash. Mine all were 75% and above and ate HUGE amounts of solids.
Exactly :) Different things work for different families. I appreciate the comment below too; my husband and I were just trying to figure out when to stop swaddling our little girl! We tried it this weekend, but she’s not ready for it I don’t think. I didn’t think about the one arm thing, but we’ll definitely try that when it comes time!
I never rush the swaddle wean. Ha. I just wait until they are ending up on their bellies and finding it hard to roll over. Then I do the one arm ;)
This is too tricky for a sleep deprived mama! My comment has been erased twice :( anyway….
Hi Rachel,
Thanks for this post! I’m a first time mom and my son is just over three months old. We’re following a combo of your tips plus some from “healthy sleep habits, happy child” and I think it’s going ok but a little hard to tell seeing how this is my first baby! But I love your blog, so thanks :) Just wondering when I need to stop swaddling my little guy? He definitely sleeps and naps better swaddled but when/ how do we transition from that to a sleep sack? Any tips on what has worked for you? Thanks!!
I swaddled until around 5 months? I used the Woombie and then took them out one arm at a time :)
Oh yes, and I meant to add that he has just started turning into his side by himself this week! Thanks!
I left mine swaddled until they rolled over fully and I knew they needed the one arm out!
Thanks, I’ll give the one arm at a time a try!
Hi Rachel! I know I’m late to reading your post here, but my baby was born one day after you wrote it :-) I am now considering sleep training and went straight to your blog to read what your perspective on it was. I am one of those “other moms” since I’m not sure where I stand on sleep training. My baby sleeps in his crib, so that is not a battle, but getting him to sleep through the night is. I haven’t read Babywise yet, but one of my friends also suggested it since it worked for her sister. My baby naps, but it seems that he doesn’t really have a routine for napping during the day. Some days, he is sleepier than others. It makes sense that if baby is too overstimulated during the day, he won’t sleep at night. I was wondering if you could tell me whether you think it is possible for babies to have too many naps during the day and how many naps they should take on average.
OH yes there is definitely such a thing as having too many naps but it depends on the age. Also, I’ve been known to wake them up from a nap if it’s going too long and will disrupt bedtime. I think as long as your baby is well rested then you don’t need to worry about “following” anything really, but if you have concerns then getting a game plan is a great idea. So, how old is your baby?