Sometimes, heaven help us, we get things mixed up. Here are some things kids can do, we think they can’t. And things kids can’t really do, we think they can.
As a mother of 5 children , I am hyper-focused on raising independent children.
- Because it is good for them.
- Because I don’t have enough arms, legs, or brain space to do things they are capable of doing.
What is that quote…
“Never do for a child what he is capable of doing for himself.” E. Hainstock
It’s not because you don’t love them or you’re a jerk or an absent parent, but because it builds self-esteem for kids to complete age-appropriate tasks.
And it helps divide the familial responsibilities. And yet, in our efforts to raise our children well, we often expect things that are – quite simply – not gonna happen.
We end up disappointed, overwhelmed, and worried.
Check off critical household, social, and hygiene skills for your child so they’re prepared (not petrified) of growing up!
Things you think your kids can do, that they can’t
⭐ Have complete control over their emotions
Children are still learning how to manage their emotions. They are not able to stifle every tear, stuff down every angry feeling, or cover their mouth before every scream.
They are little, they are learning, and they will have tantrums and meltdowns. If you expect your kids to behave like little prim children all day long, each day will make you feel like a failure.
⭐ Sort out their own routine and habits
It’s a common refrain that babies or children will find their own flow, just let them. If you have one child and only need 4 hours of sleep a night, this might work for you.
Otherwise, this is unwise.
It’s a parent’s job to find a routine that works well for your children that includes all the necessary elements of survival (sleeping, eating, and cuddling). You might have 3 children choosing 3 separate bedtimes and mealtimes and the result will be utter chaos.
Read: Time In Vs. Time Out … and is Time Out Damaging Kids?
⭐ Decide what’s best for them
Children, quite simply, do not know what’s best for them. They know what they want and what they’d like to do. But, because they are still developing and maturing, they are not yet able to think about long-term consequences.
Brownies 3 times a day. No chores ever. 5 hours of TV at a time. Hoarding All the Toys, no sharing. Giving your children too much freedom to make choices they are not capable of making backfires with consequences both short and long term.
Read: The Collapse of Parenting
⭐ Read your mind
Children don’t intuitively know you can’t color with crayons on the floor. They don’t know slamming a door is dangerous. They can’t quite see why playing outside naked in 40-degree weather might result in a cold.
We have to be communicative with our kids all the time about everything. Repetition is great for kids.
This is how they learn, process information, and connect the dots across areas of life. We don’t expect them to “just know,” we talk about it.
⭐ Move quickly
Now, they will move quickly when they are running from you or playing duck duck goose. But if you need them to put on their clothes, shoes, jacket, then get in the car because you’re running late… they will not be fast.
They will be excruciatingly slow. That’s because the concept of time isn’t fully developed in them yet. We can teach them to hurry, but we need to realize it is our own time management that needs work here.
Things you think your kids can’t do, that they can
⭐ Entertain themselves
If your children rarely play on their own and can’t go for long periods without telling you they are bored, take heart. You can and should teach them how to entertain themselves.
There is a difference between being entertained and playing and kids can learn to play on their own. Even toddlers can play on their own with their toys for long stretches.
This will be life changing for you, and you’ll see immediate benefits with your children as well.
Read: Why children should play on their own every day
Get 101+ chore cards to help your little one build life skills, confidence, and their hard work muscles.
Learn More⭐ Sleep a lot and well
Sleep is a touchy subject for some. Particularly those who do not get any. Rest assured, humans were born to sleep and your little one is no different.
Though it may not seem so now, you can teach your kids to sleep so they take good naps and sleep all night. You can even get them all to take a nap at the same time. If you sort out your sleep props and sleep associations, you may find the household atmosphere is a lot more peaceful.
Read: Why moms are really so tired
⭐ Sit still and wait
Now, while your little ones cannot be expected to sit quietly for long periods of time all day, they are fully capable of being still. At least for a few minutes.
I often ask them to sit quietly in chairs and read. We call this “relax time.”
They may fidget, get antsy, and ask when they can get down every few minutes, but they can do it. And when we are in public and they are forced to wait, you can see the benefits.
⭐ Clean up after themselves
Please please please do not spend all of your precious time cleaning up your kids’ messes. Or buying more and more toys the kids strow around the house then refuse to clean up.
If you put in place some basic routines to keep your home tidy, you’ll be amazed at the difference. Since children can make a mess in 45 seconds, it’s important they are given chores to complete they are capable of doing.
I’ll do the evening sweep myself, but I try to involve my kids as much as possible and am always amazed at how helpful they actually are with proper instruction.
Read: Quick Guide To Getting Started With Chores
⭐ Do hard things
If you have a reluctant perfectionist or a calm + steady child who is difficult to motivate, this will be your mantra.
Whether it’s tying shoelaces, carrying something from one end of the house to the other, or buckling themselves in their car seats, sometimes all it takes is a little encouragement.
Don’t always sweep in. Try not to hover. Be an encouraging presence, but require effort. It’s effort that matters and when children know this, they try hard.
Start brainstorming rules to make your family life more peaceful, connected, and strong!
Your baby can’t put himself in his crib, but he can learn to sleep on his own.
Your 5-year-old can’t make a quiche from scratch, but they could do scrambled eggs.
And, your 2-year-old can’t fold a huge blanket, but they can put their toys in their toy box.
Here’s to realistic expectations this year.
Both for our children and ourselves.
I really love this post! It can be difficult to remember that kids can’t read our minds and control their emotions. Some adults can’t even control their emotions! I do disagree with one point though. I don’t think you can force anyone to sleep no matter how much you desperately want them to sleep. I worked really hard to get my son to a point where he will sleep as best as he can. He is two and a half. Some days he naps, other days he will just play quietly in his crib. Hopefully my daughter is a better sleeper. So far she is a lot better than my son and she’s only a few months old!
Tricia, you are right. You can lead a horse to water… however if you are giving him plenty of opportunity and some days he plays quietly, he’s still rested! That is the goal. they’ll never just do it all exactly “by the book” and that’s okay. I think it’s like healthy eating, you can’t force feed them broccoli but you just offer it a lot. ;)
I really love this article. I want my kids to be independent too, but sometimes I feel like people look at me strangely when I ask them to do something hard on their own. They can totally do it!! :)
OH yes they can!
You are so right!! I have four kids aged 5 4 3 and almost 2, so I know exactly where you are coming from!! They need to learn independence early on and its such a treasure for them and for us! They have confidence in themselves they otherwise wouldn’t! And learning to play by themselves is so important…I find my oldest is not as good at it as the other three but I am guessing thats because he was the oldest and the one I entertained the most! Here’s to kids being kids and adults being adults and learning and growing together!
Woohoo, amen!
This is a great list and a great reminder. I love the reminder that they can’t move quickly, and can sit still and wait. Thanks so much. I’ve scheduled this for sharing on my Facebook page.
Thank you so much :)
Nicely put. I do agree with moust of them. And I would like to know, where does your 5 year old prepare scrambled eggs? Because I’m not yet ready to let my 5 year old use gas. But I’m always open to sugestions.
Irena, I was using that as an example because I’ve got us enrolled in a kid’s cooking course and that is one of the first skills. I don’t really let her cook by our stovetop since it’s old and hot, but I think a griddle would be good for this?
Good stuff, thanks. I’m not actually a mom but a teenage nanny, and it’s been a rough couple of weeks.
Hailey, keep on keeping on!
I don’t completely agree with the sleep one, (Only because it sounds like you were pro sleep training. Maybe I’m wrong) Though I do agree that with time and patience they will sleep better and you can help gently guide them. The rest I completely agree with. Your child can do more than you expect. Eating is another good one. My son was eating full sandwiches on his own before one and he didn’t even get his first tooth until after his first birthday. People were always surprised with how well he could eat on his, because we just let him. They are definitely more independent than we give them credit sometimes! My son will be 2 in may and we already have little chores for him. He enjoys it, so why not encourage it?! :]
Totally with you, encourage those chores while they are eager!
Great post! Thanks for sharing. I’m eager to read some of your other stuff now.
I am a 21 yr old mom of 4 jus like u 4,3,2, and 1 with one due any day now an I read an understand the thing u say an feel an do thinks alot alike but my kids at so hiperactive and and rough an loud alot of people don’t like to be around an when they r it’s not for long periods of time this is including family do u have any advice
Hi Desiree, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and your struggles with the kids. My friend wrote this post on aggression and I hope it helps you! http://www.themilitarywifeandmom.com/15-best-ways-to-manage-aggressive-behavior-in-toddlers/
Wow! five children under 5 in an amazing achievement and a great blessing, as well as a true challenge! I have only two little boys so far, and they are also quite hyperactive, rough, and loud.
A couple of things help me in ‘toning down the hysteria’:
– Plenty of time to burn off energy doing harmless (or even beneficial) things they enjoy. It can take a little time to nut our exactly what makes each child happiest – especially when they are so little, and you are juggling so many at once, but it’s worth doing. You may need to make a list!
– Finding the right playmates. After a year of strained play dates and catch up cut short, I started to notice that my children played much better with some children than others. Mine play particularly well with children from large families; often they are more relaxed with a slightly older child around (fewer power struggles with a clear leader at the helm); and they seem calmer out of doors with few toys to squabble over. I love taking my boys to play with a family of twelve (and counting): they run bare foot outside all day with barely an argument!
– Talk with your children about playing nicely. When I’m on my way to a play date, or we’re expecting company, I talk to my eldest about the importance of sharing, of being a kind friend, of waiting for a turn, etc. And if the play date goes well, I praise the good things the boys did to be good friends.
– Consistent routine. I have noticed a huge difference in my children since establishing a consistent daily routine, and a generally consistent weekly routine (e.g. park Monday and Wednesday mornings; play dates or outings Tuesday mornings; ‘home day’ on Friday; swimming lesson Saturday morning; ‘quiet time’ during rosary in the evening, or for my eldest while my youngest naps…)
– A calm environment. If I’m in a rush, or feeling stressed out, my children are wild. It’s difficult to establish personal organisation in the midst of raising kids, but it’s doable! I’ve had to set myself a routine as well, and find that if I am sticking to my routine (prepare for outings the night before; prayers, make the bed, brekky, washing on) before heading out with the kids, then I’m much more relaxed, and there is very little my children can do that will phase me. If not, I’m like a ticking time bomb, and the boys are all the more wild. Established quiet times (it takes a little practice before children know what is expected), peaceful music, diffusing calming essential oils, setting aside some time to play with and read to the children (a good time to teach how to play gentle games by example and talk)…lots of little things can add up to a relaxing environment, and different things will work for different people.
– The right diet. The right diet can turn my children from wee devils to happy angels. When my children are having one of those ‘bad days’, I often find at bath time that they are covered in eczema, or realised some have not done #2s all day…which drives home the impact of letting them eat sugar and processed foods! I’m still working on preparing nutritious meals and snacks that appeal to both my husband and I, and our children. Humour at the dinner table does wonders for us in getting those ‘yucky’ foods into tummies.
– Books. We have one or two about aggressive children learning to get along with others that seem to hit a chord with my eldest. Do not underestimate the power of a story to slowly but surely teach life lessons! You can refer back to characters and scenarios in stories that work for your kids when disciplining in the same situation, or when preparing your kids for a play date; this can help children to predict the consequences of their good and bad behaviours and choices.
– Pray! There is nothing like acknowledging that all of your potential to master raising a large family comes from outside of yourself. Try not to let yourself feel inadequate or out of your depth. God knows what you can handle with the help of His grace, and will never give us more than that. I know women with 13 or more children whose children seem so wonderful, and who seem so calm and on top of everything… Each one has confessed to me the same challenges that I ask them about, and say that prayer helped them the most.
I hope that some of this helps! Good luck, fellow Mummy :)
These are some awesome tips and insights. Wow!
I love your enthusiasm
Mine are 27, 21, and 17.
It took me a while to figure these out, but from where I am now, it’s *exactly* this style of parenting that makes for a peaceful home, relaxed parents and confident kids.
Kit, such an encouraging comment, thank you!
My 16 month old likes to help: she puts her clothes in the hamper, she puts (used) tissues and other items in the trash, she throws her dirty diapers in the pail and (mostly) puts things away when asked. I think it’s great to give them ‘power’ over tasks, it makes them feel independent. Also, in my daughter’s case; that she is helping mommy.
Totally agree!!!
Excellent, I love this! So true!
This article totally resonates with me and my parenting style. I think sometimes people think I’m a mean mom (and teacher) when I won’t do things for my kids (carry my two year old’s bag of poopy underwear or put my kindergarteners’ papers in their bags), but I won’t do anything they are capable of doing themselves. Of course I’m their to help if they get stuck, but I’m not their to teach them helplessness. I’m there to empower and encourage.
Exactly! I make mine clean up after themselves too. No shame or any bad talk but “we made a mess, let’s learn to clean it up!”
Great list. :-) Thanks for the reminder about playing alone – I want to work on getting this back into the routine! With only one kiddo so far, it’s easy to get used to being the funnest toy around (besides Daddy, of course)! ;-) My son does love picking up his toys and helping in other ways, though, so that’s great. I think it is hard to figure out what activities they can do since ability varies so much at this age (16 mo.), but we’re getting there… :-)
That’s great that your kids are capable of sitting still. But some kids are NOT! My daughter for example. There are times when she can sit still, but there are also times (most times) when she is physically incapable of keeping still. Her body practically vibrates- it can not sit on a chair, she is climbing over the chair, hanging off it, dancing around it… At times like this, she does not have the control over her body or brain to keep herself still. We are still working out the cause if this- whether it’s ADHD, a sensory processing disorder, or possibly a food sensitivity causing this hyperactivity… But I know she’s not the only child out there like this. In fact, I have a nephew who is much like that. Anyway, just want to point out that you should keep in mind that what applies to your children does not necessarily apply to all children. you may know your children well, but this knowledge does not necessarily transfer to children in general. Maybe you shouldn’t make such blanket statements about children in general and what they can or can’t do.
Hayley, children with SPD or ADHD/ADD are not the typical child. Most of what I write about – unless stated otherwise – is for neurotypical kids. I am sure you are 100% right that she can’t sit still, but I could never write any post if I took into account every type of possible situation. And also, having a child who can’t sit still does NOT mean that a parent is not doing a good job!
Fantastic information for parents! I’m a parent educator and your tips and strategies are practical and right on in terms of child development! Thanks much
Anne, what an encouraging comment, thank you :)
Excellent article. I wish I could pass rhis out to every parent who walks through our elementary school doors!
Oh thank you so much :)
You are so encouraging and such a great writer. You always hook me with your amazing content!
I’m starting to learn how to implement some of these things with my 9 mo old. Even though he seems young, he understands a lot more than you’d think :)
THat is so true, it’s amazing what they understand :)
Yep, absolutely. I am a mom of 7, ages 17-29. I totally believed in raising independent adults- that is what we are raising. I do have some thoughts on that on my blog. As you said, there really is not enough ‘mom’ to go around to do for everyone what they can do for themselves. We may not like it, but the goal is to work yourself out of a job.
Yes, out of a job, ha :)
I’m a mental health therapist and stepmom of four with over 18 years in and this is such helpful, clearly written advice. Thanks!
Thank you so much!!
I agree with nearly everything here but the sleep issue is one I don’t agree with. We have done everything, sleep trained, and our son just doesn’t sleep. It’s not always so black and white. Children are capable of so much but not every child is cut and dry.
Jessica, you are right they certainly are not. And, as always, you can lead a horse to water…
Thank you for this article. Life saver! Or more accurately sanity saver!
My 2.5yo is a leg clinger. He is under my feet all the time, because he doesn’t know very well how to play alone. I am embracing some of these tips and reading all the other articles too! This blog never ceases to give me sage-like advice.
I look forward to the day when his brother (3 months) is old enough for them to play together.
Does having the third child make that happen sooner? :)
Amanda, ha, yes it makes it happen sooner actually :) I’ve got a 19 month leg climber too. Haha
I don’t see a link to the downloadable page… am i just missing it?
Ack! Melisa, what are you trying to download?
We waited many years to finally have children as we know it is life changing. I would do anything for my kids (6 and 1 year old) just like any other loving parents but I also need to learn how to communicate effectively with our little monkeys the best possible way. Thank you for the blogs it helps put things into perspective.
Rose, thank you for visiting!
I’m so so happy for this wonderful article. Though not yet married, but I’ll like to have children with self esteem and who can as well be smart and willing to do this on their own. I strongly believe the article and contributions from other great’mind parents will be of help to me.
I have 13-month twin boys and they love to play together without any involvement from an adult. I love that they can entertain one another so well! When do you think they will be able to help pick up and understand that they are helping Mommy? They can put their toys in the bin when I ask, but then it is just a game to pull it back out again. Thoughts?
Oh I think at that age helping you put up toys is great! I’m not sure there’s much else they can do by way of helping, but returning toys communicates a big lesson in itself.
I think this is article is good – excellent general rule of thumb. But at the same time I think it should be read with a grain of salt and with everyone putting away their “judging eyes” most mothers carry around with them. Kids can do things by themselves BUT the sitting still one got to me. I have four very close together myself so I love these blogs that kind of keep everyone sane. I have to have a job though so I don’t have entire control over every aspect of my children’s day or raising them. (I told everyone to put away their judging eyes please, and I meant it). However, I thought I was great at parenting and would have started my own blog ages ago but my oldest boy changed all of that. He has VERY severe ADHD and sensory processing disorder forcing me to parent completely differently than I did with my oldest who is so smart and capable and learns in the traditional way and can sit still as long as I need her to, etc. Sometimes some of these “can’t do’s” are very real. Being blessed with neuro-typical kids is a huge blessing. One I used to be guilty of taking advantage of myself. I don’t know how many parents I looked down at whose children were behaving atrociously while I sat there with my neuro-typical child feeling all smug like I know what I’m doing. I promise you all that if you think there is any one recipe that fits all kids and if you think you “have it all figured out” that instead of being great at parenting you are really just darn lucky to get blessed with the right mix of kids! That being said though, the thought behind the article is good and the general point that kids can do more than we sometimes think they can is well received.
Stacey, you are too right. Often I get people write and ask if any of my children have ADD, SPD, or are on the spectrum and I say that I don’t, hence my “neuro typical” articles so PLEASE know that molding and shifting your parenting strategies for your own particular children is indeed the sign of an amazing mom.
I love this article! I’m struggling with my son with one point now and would like your advice on this. Since my son was a toddler he used to make it very hard for us to feed him solids like he would completely lock his mouth and refuse to eat at all but we used to force him with distraction like offering toys etc.. Now he is a 2 year and a half old and the only way to feed him his lunch bowl without resistance or crying is to distract him with some cartoon tv episode. This is becoming frustrating to me as i see a lot of kids in his age eat all by themselves. In the nursery, during lunch his friends eat their food alone but my son refuses so the teacher has to feed him or else he would skip lunch.. Do you have any advice for me?
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Wow what an article. You are such a great writer. I appreciate your writing. This article will definitely help those parent who doesn’t know what their kids can do or not.
This exactly. We have 7 (12,10,9,7,5,3,2), and our parenting always comes into question with everyone.
Our kids don’t get hoovered over 24/7. We teach, we learn (together). They become independent, they make a mess along the way. Other than our 2 & 3 year olds, the others could sustain a day without mom and dad.
At young ages we have taught them to cook, clean, routines, and how to organize.
They play, all the time. We clean up the entire house ONCE a day! Till that time they make a mess, they clean up/tidy up etc…but after supper it’s a rush to get everything done properly and have “quiet time”. And I can tell you that we are the odd ball parents. We are the ones that get child protective services called on, we are the ones that get those dirty looks from other parents. We love each and every one of them and would never put them into a situation they couldn’t handle!!
We are parent shamed daily! But we will never change!
Thank you for writing this! We just had a similar issue and got rid of all of ours. I also had to unwrap and return 2 presents.
Hey Rachel, Thanks for this informative blog. Really appreciate your efforts. I am a new mother and I enjoyed reading your blog.
Yes Yes Yes! My 3 year old said to herself today as she was doing something challenging “I can do hard things” and I nearly cried because it’s something I repeat to her often and she internalized it.
A very correct quote: Never do for a child what he can do for himself. Thanks for sharing! Great article!