Modern mothers are bathed in guilt. We feel guilty for being too strict then guilty for being too lenient. Never fear, these parenting behaviors are actually good!
I’m always amazed how my children’s moods affect me. My tendency was to judge my parenting based on my kids’ emotions.
Kids happy = I’m a good mom
Kids unhappy = I’m a bad mom
Whew. Let me tell you, that’s a life tossed to and fro like the waves of the sea.
When children are little they are very much affected by our parenting choices and behaviors. They are still too young to understand that not everything good seems good at the time.
Honestly, they don’t care about tomorrow, next week, or next year. They care about now. They care about this instant. Or they care about getting what they want.
And that’s only natural. They are, after all, young children. Â
What's in this post...
I had two things at war within me…
I had two things at war within me. My head knowledge that certain parenting habits and behaviors were good for the long term.
And my heart reactions that said these habits may bring about tears or resistance from my kids, which doesn’t feel good for the short-term.
It always felt like a win-lose, zero sum game. Turns out, it isn’t. And, turns out, guilt is not a good motivator for parenting.
Parenting behaviors that don’t always feel good, but really are
Without further ado, here are 10 parenting habits we have that make us feel guilty for some reason.
1. Saying no when needed, without the drama
No one likes to be told no, it’s just the way of human nature.
Some think we should limit how often we tell our children no. However, it’s often not the No that gets the big reactions. It’s how we deliver the no.
- Are we angry?
- Are we frustrated and venting while saying no?
- Is there bitterness and resentment in our tone?
To paraphrase what Sandy Blackard says, “It’s not so much what we do that matters, it’s what we think about what we do.”
Strict, straight forward, and kind teachers are often beloved. And these teachers get the best out of their students. Why? Because their rules are the rules and that’s it. No drama.
Kids are born understanding rules, and even make them for themselves. It’s the drama we have in ourselves about the rules that gets the reactions, not the rules.
Help prepare your kids for life, one skill at a time. Simple, easy skills every month!
Learn More2. Having kids do things on their own
“Never do for a child what a child can do for themselves.”
Mothers enjoy loving and serving their children. However, there comes a time when doing things for our children they can do for themselves becomes a crutch.
In fact, children’s self-esteem and self-confidence grow when they feel capable. My children often ask me to do simple things for them. I respond by asking to see how they’re doing it.
“Then,” I say, “If you still can’t do it, I’ll be sure to step in.”
They almost always scurry off to complete the task themselves.
Related Reads:
- 5 things you think your kids can’t do on their own, but they can… and vice versa
- Things 2 and 3-year-olds really can do on their own
3. Chores
The body of research on chores is overwhelming.
Essentially, chores are a huge predictor of life satisfaction, success, and happiness.
And it’s no wonder. Chores help children learn to do things that must be done, even if they aren’t wild about it. Chores help kids create order in their own environment, teach the value of hard work, and are a necessary life skill.
It’s true, however, that kids will fight chores sometimes. They will fuss and complain and you may as well expect this. The solution? Put chores before screen time, play, or anything else fun.
It’s that simple.
These checklists include all the tasks that need to be done in various rooms so that your little one can use pictures or text to help them complete a group of chores in one area.
Learn More4. Serving nourishing food
Many many children are bona fide picky eaters which leads to a lot of mom guilt. Kids don’t want veggies, don’t want to eat meals at set times, and prefer to snack all day every day.
The battles around food can be lengthy and dramatic. But even so, diet is an important factor in children’s behavior, sleep habits, health, and development.
It’s hard when dinner time becomes a war zone. Figuring out your boundaries and keeping them is the key. I don’t force my kids to eat anything, but that said their options are limited. They can “take it or leave it” and I’m okay with either.
Afterwards, there’s no yummy pre-bedtime snack because – it goes without saying – kids will hold out on veggies for a huge bowl of yogurt.
Research shows nutrition is directly related to health. Don’t go against your own food boundaries just to avoid power battles. Your kids will be okay if they don’t love everything on their plate.
5. Monitoring screen time
TV and screens in themselves are not horrible things, but experts and parents alike agree that too much TV gets in the way of other activities that will provide a greater long-term benefits to our kids.
Time for their imaginations to flourish, read books, play with siblings, or engage in creative play. And not to mention all the dangerous things on the internet these days for kids.
Don’t feel guilty if the kids watch some TV now and again. But don’t feel guilty when you shut it off, either.
Read: How to avoid screen time battles
6. Enforcing the family rules
Sometimes when our children break the family rules, we have an immediate desire to set the behavior straight. We may carry out the built in consequence for breaking that rule or even – at times – have the desire to punish our kids.
→ The difference between a built in consequence and a punishment is, essentially, our attitude and the reason we are doing it.
Or there may be the desire to rescue our children from feeling any negative consequence of their actions. This is a super common parenting behavior.
It’s our natural tendency as mothers to protect our children from anything unpleasant or harmful. But protecting them from unpleasant consequences is most definitely not helpful in the long run.
“Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy.”
7. Requiring sharing
There was a viral post a few years back that said sharing isn’t always something we should require, and in many cases I agree. A trap some moms fall into against their own will is buying something for every child so they aren’t forced to share.
If you are able to do this and happy about it, fine! If you do this simply to avoid power battles, then you’re rescuing your child from learning to share.
Below is a video where I share how you can develop your own sharing rules within your home. Quick hint, there are 3 ways.
8. Maintaining proper sleep routines
In my hundreds of hours of study (that isn’t over yet!) for infant and child sleep certification, I’ve found one thing… parents instinctively know everyone needs sleep… but they feel so guilty enforcing it.
This is a typical parenting behavior across the world.
While your child is certainly unique in many ways, their need for sleep is not. When children (and adults for that matter) are sleep deprived they are fussy, unable to concentrate, sluggish, and have a whole host of other issues. This affects our kids and our own parenting behaviors.
Just because your child gets a second wind and fights bedtime doesn’t mean they don’t need to go to bed. It can mean they’re over tired, they don’t feel like going to bed, or their sleep routine needs some work.
Sleep is as much of a need as food.
Read: How to encourage sleeping in and longer naps
9. Prioritizing your needs over others “would be nice to haves”
This may land me in some hot water, but I’m from Florida. I’m used to the heat.
Modern moms are used to martyring their own mental health to follow the whims of their kids. They will put aside their own survival needs (sleep, nourishment, exercise, downtime, etc.) in an effort to give those they love whatever they want.
Even if it’s a fleeting pleasure.
Many moms are utterly exhausted, resource depleted, on meds for anxiety or depression or suicidal thoughts (or all three) and yet feel guilty for pulling their kids out of sports to have a simpler family life. Or requiring their kids to help out around the house so they aren’t doing every thing for every one.
And even having them go to bed at a normal time so you don’t get to bed after midnight. When you’ll be up at 6 am the next morning to do it all over again.
10. Making kids sit still or wait
I had this talk just the other day with my oldest. Waiting and sitting still is hard! It feels endless and pointless. In fact, we often orient our days so that our kids aren’t forced to wait anywhere.
And, if they are, we are tempted to pull the phone straight out to distract. Why? We don’t think they can do it.
Even so, asking our kids to sit still and wait once in a while helps strengthen that self-control muscle. And we know self-control is a necessary life skill.
The self-control that allows a small child to sit still for five minutes to read a book is the same self-control that will stop them from running into traffic when you say “stop!”
So next time…
Next time your kids fuss, fight, argue, or backtalk you about your rules or habits around the house, know it’s only short-lived.
When we make choices for the good of our children – even if they don’t see it at the time – the positive effects will outweigh the bad.
Love, hug, cuddle, kiss and tell them you love them to the moon and back. Nurture goes a long way in helping fill kids’ connection bucket.
Give them attention and your time and let them share their emotions. And then keep the family rules and boundaries you’ve created for everyone’s good.
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Darleen Taylor says
I am a parent of 4 grown children now with children of their own. I also was a pre-school teacher for 10 years and a before and after-school teacher for 14 years. I want to comment on your advice to parents that it OK to say “No” to their children. As a parent, you are in charge of your children and should their be an earthquake, fire, etc., they absolutely must be able to obey your command. “No” sets a boundary for them and children, as well as adults need boundaries for thei own safety.
Also liked training them to have self-control and to learn how to commit to something, enforcing consequences, bed-time. I loved your whole article and com mind you for being so straight forward and not worrying about hurting their feelings. There is a verse in the Bible that says our Father-God disciplines those He loves. Well the opposite is also true, a father who does not discipline does not love. Great stuff you wrote. Thank you.
Rachel Norman says
Darleen, thanks so much for this comment it was really encouraging. It seems that parenting has gone so far that mothers honestly feel guilty for saying “no” or keeping boundaries, no matter how important. It’s silly and actually bad for the kids, thanks for validating that!
Julia says
I wholeheartedly agree with this article, and if someone asked me I would say I require the same things of my children…however while reading this article I continue to break my own rules with my 4 year old daughter who was supposed to be having quiet time on the couch in the other room. I repeatedly told her if you call you will have to go to your bed, but then I would go to her after calling and see what was wrong… I must be dense because it took until I finished the article and she called yet again for me to go get her and carry her to get bed to follow through on my own rules… it is SO good to be reminded of these truths because even while they are in my philosophy, it can be so easy to slip out of the habit of following through and not giving in when we are in the day to day. Thank you!!
Rachel Norman says
Julia, that’s EXACTLY how it is over here too. I’ll know I think something and then find myself doing the opposite gradually until it slaps me in the face. I think the point is we are trying to live up to what we believe! You aren’t dense, you’re human :)
Mary Ellen says
I’m confused as to what you mean by “force feeding”. Several studies show that forcing your kids to eat anything actually will backfire. Here’s a good write up about them. http://www.raisehealthyeaters.com/2012/07/what-forcing-kids-to-eat-looks-like-20-years-later/
Rachel Norman says
You know, I think I chose the wrong wording. I never force feed, they take it or leave it and that’s that. My meaning was that we offer vegetables relentlessly and not just stop because they don’t like them. I may change that wording.
Annielewis says
Great posts,thank you for sharing
Agen Judi Taruhan Togel Online Terpercaya says
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Kain says
Cruel? It depends. I’m seeing this as a way to teach kids to grow up as a man/woman.
womens health mag says
I don’t write a bunch of responses, however i did a few searching and wound up here 10 parenting behaviors that make you ask
“am I a mean mom?”. And I actually do have a couple of questions for you if you usually do not mind.
Could it be only me or does it appear like some of
the comments come across like they are left by brain dead folks?
:-P And, if you are writing on other social sites, I would
like to follow anything new you have to post.
Could you list of every one of all your public sites like your linkedin profile, Facebook page or twitter
feed?
Natalie says
Yes, yes and yes! I felt this post! ?
Jade says
Thank you for this! Right now, we are playing catch-up (the house is trashed, kitchen full of dirty dishes, laundry backup etc.) I usually feel like the kids (age 2 and 3) should be playing outside with me for at least an hour or 2 in the morning, as well as in the afternoon and a bit in the evening. I’m not sure where I got that.. it just sounds healthy and then they will sleep better right? But it’s really not feasible if I want to do much housework. It sounds like you’re saying I shouldn’t feel guilty about catching up with housework? For some reason I had it in my head that I should be outside playing with them for most of their waking hours, but after reading your posts, I’m guessing that this isn’t realistic!
Paris Kobylinski says
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